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only 7teen, too young to say she's been through it all. But old enough to say she's seen a lot, and done a lot. Old enough to be called an older sister. But young enough to be called younger sister too. So who am I? That's for you to find out.

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Designer: clancy-
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Monday, October 8, 2007
as happiness turns away from us, it is our job to grab it back.

nothing is life comes easy, life is just like a package.
comes with it's pros and cons. pros on life, is to meet the many amazing people you will meet, to experience every part of what the world has to offer, to explore things and places you never thought of and to create memories for those you love, with those you care for.
life sounds so good, but how about the negatives? those sad and heartbreaking times which you will never ever forget? when the life of one ends, and the only thing you can do is to slowly reminisce the times with them? you can't rewind life, it's not like a DVD, not like a movie.
school has finished, technically. we're suppose to rejoice in happiness and study for what is to approach. to become focused, to become stressed is what year 12 is suppose to be about. along side that, having fun and enjoying the life of a year 12. but this year, hasn't been like that.
i don't really know what i am suppose to do. others than exams, something else is bugging me.
the fact that one of my friends is not in contact with anyone. what am i supposed to do? just leave him alone? just wait for him to come back in January and not worry about how he is? he has been in a motorcycle crash before he came home. he was happy to be home, to be where he belongs, where he was the friends who care for him? but his mum forced him home. it hasn't made anything better, no one has heard from him. even me, the one he was always in contact when times were bad.
i miss you, i want you home as soon as possible. i want to be able to go to your house and hit you across the head. i want to be able to laugh at you when everyone gives me weird looks. i don't even care if our family friends tease us because of what they thought we were. he will never be the same. from the day he left, till the day he came home. he has been through things and situation we will never imagine. but no matter who you have turned out to be, i will always be here. we may be thousands of miles away, but you know that i miss you more than anyone else.
the joys and excitement i had when i knew you were coming back was overwhelming. but i was scared at the same time.
i remember that exact moment when my mum told me you were coming back. i was walking towards the library. i walked into the library after. and i was shaking. not being able to concentrate. i didn't know what to expect, but you came back. i was happy. to see you changed so much, but your personality hadn't. the old you was still alive. and i missed that.

as the wind blows through the window, i look, to see all the trees sway softly and the wind chime make it's charming sound. it is just like life. we sway from places to places, voice our voices to the public, friends, family. but our roots firmly stay still.
i am scared, of what is to come before me. my holiday seems so soon. it makes me happy, it means i get to see some people that i have been waiting to see. i miss them so much, my heart hurts. i will be away from where i cry all the time for a month. it feel weird, i have never been away from home for this long. i won't be able to walk to my table and look at the card he sent me. i won't be able to cry over little things in a corner. but, it will be interesting. i will be having fun. but on the other hand, i am scared to go back. i don't want to see another family fight. every time we go back, a family fight arises. something so small turns into something big. i see parents arguing, i see aunties crying, uncles worrying till they can't sleep, i see cousin hide in their rooms unemotionally, i see grandparents become upset, i see myself plastering what is called an 'i'm-okay' face. i have no one to turn to there. no one to understand what is to happen. last time we were back, my 2nd uncles and auntie didn't sleep for days, and my eldest auntie watched as everyone was sad. she didn't do anything, i don't really understand what she wants to do. she is willing to ruin everyone's life. it comes to me as a wonder if she will ever learn the real truth of family life. i don't want to see the same suituation happen again. i don't want to see my dad hide all the problems by going out all day and i'm stuck in the fish village. i don't want to see myself sneaking down to the internet cafe and my grandmother making me go home. i don't want to be sitting at that same couch waiting for a text message that never came.

as each tear rolls down my face, i don't really know how long i will keep this sadness for.
walking into that familiar room, seeing those familiar faces, i miss those days.
come home.
come back.
i want my childhood dreams back, i want those days back.
when what i wanted was a toy, not a person to come back.
when what i looked forward to was watching fireworks, not to see a family to fulfill it's simplest job, to make everyone happy.
when i was able to smile freely in front of them.
when i was able to tell them i was sad.
when i was just able to tell them i missed them.

the past month has been hard. no one can understand how hard it has been.
as everything changes, as time passes, as people develop who they are, i don't really know what else i can do to stop all this. i want to press stop and rewind, but i don't think i can. either it's too late, or it's never. look back, regret, teary eye. that's all we can do now.

good bye.
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